Not A Cynic Love Diary

not a good week. not at all :/

THE best person to date is someone who is nowhere near your friends circle. It’s the best because no one knows who this guy is. None of your friends can give you that scoop on the guy. Dating friends of friends is not the best because your friend will always be stuck in the middle of both of you and the guy you’re seeing. They will be putting their opinions in and will make you doubt what you’re feeling.

Having someone so random and someone no one knows is ideal because you get to make your own judgements. You get to find out by yourself what kind of person they are and to me that is waaaaay more exciting than finding out through your friends.

Another benefit that the guy won’t be able to tell your friends all of the gossip. They won’t be able to say things like “Oh yeah he did this this and this” or “His such and such was bad” and if they do, then it’s fine because you don’t know any of his friends and they don’t know you.

It’s also less drama when you have two different friend circles. There’s no one you have to avoid because maybe they’re that guy’s ex and that ex is your friend. It’s the ideal situation for me. This may sound stereotypical but gay guys like to gossip. Everyone one knows everyone’s business within the first week. Especially with all these social networks out there.

Oh! this brings up another topic as well. I HATE HATE HATE! when people who barely got into a relationship start posting on facebook, myspace, twitter… whatever that they’re in love and that it’s going to last forever and blah blah blah. Ummmm no… you barely met this person how are you gonna be in love. Why do you feel you need to advertise your relationship. That just shows that it’s very superficial and you want people to see how “happy” you are with your new toy. When in reality it’s just all physical and all you guys want to do is fuck. Ok… thats very cynical of me but oh well =] So, people please stop advertising your relationships on myspace and faceboook.

Anyway… that’s what I want. I want Mr. Mystery. Someone who knows no one I know. Someone who wont be able find out things about me by talking to friends. Not that I’m hiding anything, but I just think its way more interesting when you find those things out yourself whether they may be good or bad.

p.s that was Alejandro :/

“It’s not cute.”

Being codependent is never ever cute. People who say they “need” to be in relationships is very annoying. Like their whole lives only matter when they involve another person. Yes, relationships are great, but being with your partner every single minute of every single day can get kind of obsessive. It’s people who have a set timeline on when they will get married, when they will buy a house, when they will have a kid and have that All-American family. I know this will sound cynical… but I doubt that any of the kids in my generation will find that perfect ending.

Being codependent from the start is bad, but what’s worse is when your friends used to be completely independent and you never thought they would be one of those people. Those who wear matching outfits with their partner or never being able to go somewhere because their partner doesn’t want to go.

Get your own identity separate from from your boyfriend/girlfriend. Prime example is that fame-obsessed reality show trash called Spencer and Heidi. We all know and see how they act and that’s just sad, especially Heidi having to lose her friends because of her relationship. Maybe you guys think differently or see it in a better light than I do, but I would never be able to completely lose all my friends just because some guy doesn’t like them.

Friends are there to pick up the pieces when that guy leaves. They will be there when he’s not. At least my friends would be. So, I would never be able to be with a guy who doesn’t let me be with my friend or for him to be able to interact with them.

It’s sad to lose friends over relationships, but I’ve learned to accept that some people just really need love and affection that friendship just simply cannot offer. I get and it makes me sad but if a friend isn’t able to make it work then they weren’t a friend worth keeping.

Ok. So, comparing guys to other guy’s is always a bad idea. It never leads to a pleasant outcome. My girl friends always do this. They say things like “I feel sorry for the next guy.” Why do we think that it’s ok to make the next potential guy suffer and make him go through hoops just because some other guy messed up. Why do we allow guys to make us bitter (first word that came to mind) towards other guys. We shouldnt be making other guys “pay” for what the previous guy did. It’s stopping us from moving on and we might just miss the next “good” guy because of it.

Im very guilty of doing this because I know I hardly give guys a chance because I feel like I’ve heard it all before. What usually happens is they just see me as a booty call. What has hurt the most has been guys saying, ” I was just with you because you’re cute.” It sucks that gay guys I’ve met mostly care about “hitting and quitting” maybe it’s just the guys I attract or just the guys that are here in L.A. but it’s hard not compare a guy to previous experiences.

So now when a guy tries to talk to me, I make it very difficult for them to get to know me because I’m thinking they’re just B.S-ing me to get me naked and move on once they got what they want. I need to stop.

BUT! i still believe there are guys who aren’t like that and I won’t settle for some guy who just wants that from me. I don’t think it’s made me bitter just a littler more cautious :) ?

“At the time I wasn’t thinking!”

Well today’s blog will be about cheating and I have never cheated (obviously). never been with anyone long enough to get bored of them and have the opportunity to cheat. But is that the only causes for cheating behavior? or what else can trigger someone to stray from their partner?

Although I havent been the CHEATER I have been the OTHER MAN. I know it looks bad, but when you’re in that situation it’s hard to say no. I may be weak for that, but when you truly like someone, at least for me, it’s hard to say no even when I know it’s wrong.

So, the story goes along with “Alejandro.” We had broken up and he went back with his ex boyfriend. Long story short a couple a months pass and we reconnect with each other. I end up going to his place and the first couple of times I resisted his attempts at trying to get physical, but I eventually gave in.

What got me upset wasnt the fact that I knew he had a boyfriend and he gave me the whole “my boyfriend doesnt give me enough attention” routine. I didnt know his boyfriend so I wasnt able to empathize with him. I wasnt able to put myself in his shoes. So i did not feel guilty. However, what got me upset was the fact that after we finish he begins to cry! and I was like “why are you crying” and he says that he feels bad and that he should have never done it and blah blah blah. all the typical excuses.

I got so mad because he knew what he was doing! He had been trying for a week to kiss me and stuff. He knew! It was as if he was putting the blame on me! So after that I couldnt go back to him… or could I?

“I dont know what to do now.”

Not knowing what to do when the answer is pretty obvious can only happen when you’re clouded with the feelings you have towards that person. May it be: love, lust, like, dislike or whatever else you may feel. There have been many times when I have liked someone who I probably shouldnt have and ended up in a situation that left me feeling hurt. All along knowing that I probably shouldnt be liking this person. The most recent was the guy I was seeing for awhile. I had ended up liking him a lot and we had been talking, but one night he tells me to bring him some food and I didnt think anything of it. So, I went over to his apartment and im there outside his apartment calling him so I could go inside. I wait for 20mins and he never answers so I call and leave him a voicemail. I never in my life felt like I was chasing someone who didnt want me back. Right there and then I decided that I shouldnt like a person who only uses you for their benefits. I knew I should stop talking to him. I knew this was the right thing to do, but my like for him was too strong. I went back and heard his apology and took him back and everything was back to normal… or so I thought.

This story gets way more complicated then I want to write right now, but I’ll gradually unfold this story through this blog we’ll just call this mystery guy “Alejandro” haha any GaGa fans out there? :)

Anyway that’s all I have for today.

“They need to stop hugging and kissing so much.”

Ok, so today I wanted to talk about jealousy towards other couples or relationships. When I see people enjoying their relationship I kinda get jealous because I wish I had that. I want to experience what they’re experiences, but at the same time it gives me something to look forward to. I know it’s bad to say, but sometimes I get jealous of friends and the relationships they have and I say things like the quote above. That’s only because im hating on what they have lol and wish I had it.

It’s hard having to watch that when you know you dont exactly know what they are feeling and I know what I am about to say is REALLY, but I get a little satisfaction when their relationships end.

1. because I get my friend back because you know how some people get when they have a boyfriend or girlfriend (but that’s a different blog for another day).

2. because misery likes company when all your friends are in relationships it sucks being the only one who is single

Yeah you should be happy for your friends and I am, but sometimes I just get too jealous and am not saying I get jealous of my friends but what they have.

Anyway… another question for you guys: how do you feel about PDA?

“sometimes advice from friends isnt the best”

So, today I feel like sharing my last date experience with you guys. Ok, so this was like a week ago and I met up with this guy I had been talking to for awhile. When I first walk up to greet him he looks so nervous and just says hi and quickly walks away and im like ok? I follow and we’re both nervous and we really dont know where to go. Thats the worst feeling in the world and lesson learned, but maybe I should have known that by now. Never go on a date without knowing the area and where to go. Well we ended up going to Santa Monica beach and we walked around the pier. I had never gone on a date to the beach; sad but true. Anyways… Ill skip to the end and we were in his car and I wanted to kiss him so bad, but it was the first date and you know, everyone knows, you’re not supposed to kiss on the first date. That’s what my friend had advised me to do. So, I held back and did not kiss him, which I really wanted to do and he really wanted to do. He then said that he respected me for not kissing him and that it was refreshing to see that not everyone kissed on the first date. “YES!” I thought to myself. “Good thing I listened to my friend, now this guy really likes me,” I said to myself. He dropped me off and it was a good first date.

Fast forward a week and the guy ended up saying that he rather be friends and that he did not want anything serious. This is what I do not understand!!!! Whats the point in leading someone on. If you didnt like the fact that I did not put out then dont freakin tell me that you respect me and that you admire me. If you wanted an easy guy then you should just left it at that. Not keep me guessing as to what you wanted.

But anyways, to address my quote above… don’t always do what you’re friends advise you to do. React on your own actions and who cares what people will think. Ok, it’s just a kiss. I do not see what’s so bad about that. I would have had enjoyed that date much more and still got the same results (him not wanting anything serious) but had more fun.

So my question is: if being conservative doesnt work and putting yourself out there too much does not work either… then what’s the proper way to act on a date?

“Hello Tumblr!”

Ok. So, today just officially became Monday and its a brand new week. Im going to start this blog just so I am able to put out my thoughts and feeling towards this thing we all call love. I hope you guys (whoever may be reading this) can also give me some insight in your journeys and experiences with your relationships. With that said…

This whole blog isnt about me trying to find someone to fall in love with or my experiences trying to force myself and go out there and LOOK for someone. No, I am simply going to express my thoughts and feeling and let you guys know what’s going on and hopefully you can relate. I am not looking, but better yet hoping that I can experience love and have a long term relationship. I dont want to force something that isnt going to happen if its not meant to yet.

So, join me on my brand new blog about this not so cynical guy and my experiences :)